I am an extremely optimistic person but lately It feels like I am just miserable most days. I have a good few hours here and there but then I sit and immediately go back to thinking about how life is really tough right now. I am just so freaking frustrated with how things are going. The lack of support from my family almost makes my heart a little bit hard towards them. I have reached out and tried to love them. But geesh how can I continue to put myself out there seeking love from them when they could care less. I often think about why God has me in the position that I am in. I know in my heart that He has called me to be one of His disciples. He has called me to forsake all and follow Him only.
Luke 14:25-27;33 (NIV)
25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said:
26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.
27 And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
33 In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.
When I read this scripture all I can think about is how God has plucked me out of the darkness to be His. To be ALL His and to only obey Him. Although the disappointment of not having my sister and brother care enough hurts my heart tremendously, I know that I am being obedient to His calling. There are seasons when God asked me to leave family behind to become stronger in Him. He then asked me to go back and love unconditionally. At the time I knew it was going to be excruciatingly painful. But in being obedient I was able to reconcile a relationship with my mother. Being able to take care of her is one of the most joyous things I could have ever imagined. Through all the frustration and pain I've been able to see my mom as my sister in Christ and love her just as He would love me. I don't know when or even if I'll ever be able to have a strong relationship with my brother and sister. For now I just continue to pray and ask God for patience and grace on my part.
Not having expectations for people to have compassion is something I am learning over and over again everyday. Sometimes I've just assumed because a situation is so terrible, family would be the frst to step-up and show overwhelming love and compassion. In the face of death for an extremely close family member I've assumed family would come together for support and encouragement. But all of these assumptions are so not true! These can be accurate assumptions for a family that actually have relationships with one another. But for a family who has so much anger, bitterness and unforgiveness built up, coming together is far from reality. I keep trying and trying and trying to bring the family together. My heart wants to see reconciliation in relationships within our family.
I've just gotta continue to pray, trust and believe that the Father knows best.