Christmas 2016 is finally over! This one was surely a unique Christmas. Unique because I just wasn't able to get in the Christmas Spirit. We tried decorating, tried Christmas parties and even tried doing the dinner thing. I believe this year has been so extraordinarily tough because of what I've been going through with my mother. Being her sole caregiver has taken a huge toll on me mentally. Watching her as her health deteriorates on a daily basis can be such a hard thing to handle. I believe the Lord allowed me to go through all of the things I went through in my life to prepare me to do His work. right now His work includes taking care of my mother.
I think it is extremely remarkable how God has joined us together during this time. It's just fascinating how He orchestrated our lives to position me to be available for this situation. Its all just crazy to me because I hated my mother with a deep passion! I literally wanted her to die. The things she did and allowed to happen to me while I was growing up were so horrible that I had nothing but unforgiveness ruling my heart. It wasn't until 2012 when I began to see her as my sister in Christ. He took all the bitterness I had, all the hatred, all the unforgiveness and the evil thoughts and one by one, made them disappear. Reconciling our differences was not an easy process. I wanted a relationship with my mother. I wanted her to love me and wanted my children to feel completely loved by her. I wanted to see her happy and wanted her to understand the love of Christ. It took a while but God came through like He always does. He came through and made us closer than we have ever been before.
This is why it is so difficult to see my mother struggle the way she does now. I know her life has been oh so hard. The struggles she deals with now are an exact result of the life she has lived. While visiting today I noticed that she was in such an unhappy mood. Her whole demeanor was downcast. Yesterday she hit her face on the door causing her left side to swell. She has been in even more pain because of the weather. She is feeling so dizzy and has been losing her balance a whole lot causing her to fall more. I want to help her but I can only do so much. My heart aches almost every time I see her because she is so sick. This makes it frustrating for me and is the main reason why I have good moments and then these horrible depressing moments. I'm just praying, praying, praying for the Lord to ease her suffering.
Yesterday was tough for her. She didn't hear from family, other than my daughter and I. For my mom, not hearing from them hurt so much because it was a holiday. Christmas is something she has always celebrated and it means a lot to have family around. Whether we were all fighting or laughing, just to have everyone together is such a good thing for her. When my momma hurts, I hurt.
God has allowed my heart to be completely broken for her. When your eyes are open to the Lord you see so much goodness and you’re on fire to please Him. You feel the compassion and mercy that He bestowed upon you and you are able to fully pass that along to the next person. He continues to take me deeper into His glorious ways. As I walk this storm with my mother I am so happy my eyes have been open now for many years so that I can see the blessings He gives in the midst of turmoil. I praise God for all that I am going through. For all the pain, frustration and depressing moments. He always knows what’s best and continues to quiet my soul while the storm continues to rage on.