A sweet friend of mine and her husband took me out for a birthday dinner. We've been trying to get together now for months and it's been long over due. It would seem that everytime we'd try to get together this last year, so many obstacles jumped in the way. But what I loved so much about about this gathering was the unintentional meaning behind these sweet flowers I was given.

Sometimes we believe that we've got to be perfect and things have to be in order before we can have peace. That is a bold faced lie! Most of my life has been hard. I'm not talking about hard because i was bullied at school or hard because I experienced multiple traumatic events or had a breakup or even the fact that I suffered all kinds of abuse growing up. I'm talking about hard in the sense of not having Jesus in my daily walk. It was hard because I was not taught where to find peace and who to find it in. 

I've learned that we can go through much trauma, physically and mentally, in life but its in that torture that we can have still peace; if we know where to look for it. Where do you look for peace? In God's word. He gives very clear direction and support when we need it most. It is the only place that will give you the resources you need to handle any circumstance you go through and it is the only place where you'll be able to find out who you are at the deepest level.

So much has happened with the last 4 months. I was thinking things were finally letting up and not so heavy around mid February. My mom was and is still struggling with her health. Some days I wish I didn't care. I wish that I could just let her suffer and be alone without my help. But I am constantly reminded that it isn't the right thing to do. No matter how much abuse I've suffered from her, I can't just sit back and watch her suffer. Her memory is disappearing fast and its becoming harder to be around her for lengthy periods of time, Nonetheless, she is still fighting to stay alive.

So, just when I think I have my sanity back again my daughter, Alyssa, starts having really bad neck issues. So severe she can't sleep, can't move and its just affecting everything she does. So we began trying to figure this thing out. Started with visits to a naturopathic doctor to see if we could figure out whats going on. Physical therapy seemed to be helping for the brief time we were there. Then she'd go right back into severe pain. So now I'm dealing with my mom and dealing with a daughter whose struggling just to move some days because she is in so much pain.

February 22 I am woken up by a friend who tells me police are outside of my door. It was around 10pm and I was already sleeping. Thankfully she had access to my home and could come in and wake me up. My phone goes on do not disturb at 9pm so I had no idea someone was trying to get a hold of me. It only comes through for family but my phone was also on vibrate. They had been trying to reach me for an hour. Phone calls, text messages and now finally at my door. I go out to find a couple of my neighbors and two police officers waiting for me. 

They tell me there's been a motorcycle accident involving my son. They go on and on and finally tell me he is going to be okay but is in critical condition in the trauma unit. Standing there listening to the whole story was like standing in line at Walmart! Waiting and waiting and waiting in line to checkout. So now my life just got even more complicated. I didn't know what to think how to act or what to even do at that point. Of course I gathered myself and insisted that I'd drive to the hospital immediately. But sweet neighbors would not let me drive and its a good thing they didn't. I was trembling and shaking the whole time and couldn't think straight. They all came with me including my sweet daughter. I had no idea what to expect as I walked in to the trauma unit. There he was laying there, blood everywhere (contained on the stretcher). All wrapped up ready to go into emergency surgery. Arynn had broken three of his extremities; both forearms, both wrist, completely shattered his left hand and his tibia popped out of his left leg. Oh my goodness, my child, my baby laying there broken but still alive! He is a religious helmet wearer so no other parts to his body was fractured other than having road rash. I could do nothing but praise God for keeping him alive and that everything was still attached, somewhat. Arynn would undergo three major surgeries to reconnect his left hand, place plates and screws in his arms and a metal rod in his leg. This was all within the first 24hrs of the accident.

Boy, boy, boy had my life just become increasingly overwhelming. Juggling my Mom and Alyssa full time was proving to already be a draining and very heavy task. But now to mix it up a little bit my son is completely incapacitated. I felt so terrible for him to have to go through this. My whole world stopped. There was a point where everyone wanted to just check out. Things were so crazy, I mentally wanted to check out. I just wanted to go home and sleep for a week. But there was no way I could leave. I had to be there. I had to stay strong for him. I had to make sure he was getting the best care. Life went down a whole new pathway of chaotic crazy! 

To be Continued. . .

I've been doing a whole lot of thinking this past month about whether or not I should continue to care for my mother. I keep thinking to myself, "What the heck do I owe her? She has been so terrible to me, she doesn't deserve anything!" So many different and random thoughts keep popping up in my head about how I should just stop. I've gone into debt taking care of her. I haven't been able to do the things I'd really like to do. I am exhausted and tired 24/7! I am just completely overwhelmed!!! Then I ask to myself, "Why am I doing this?" As I ponder that question over and over again on a daily basis I am lead back to the same conclusion...Jesus!

Do I owe my mother anything? No! But I owe it to Jesus. He saved me and helped me see His love. He died for me so that I could live. He was walking with me in the midst of the storm that raged throughout my childhood. He continues to walk with me in the presence of my daily troubles. He knows the trauma I continue to endure. He has never forsaken me. It is not my mother who I struggle with but it is the flesh of this world. Demonic powers that are unseen are what cause frustration and chaos in my life. But even with all the wrestling that is going on, I am constantly reminded that it is not I who fight this fight. It is the spirit within me that dances with what keeps trying to pull me down. That Spirit wins every single time! Because of that I have peace in the midst of the chaos!​

Christmas 2016 is finally over! This one was surely a unique Christmas. Unique because I just wasn't able to get in the Christmas Spirit. We tried decorating, tried Christmas parties and even tried doing the dinner thing. I believe this year has been so extraordinarily tough because of what I've been going through with my mother. Being her sole caregiver has taken a huge toll on me mentally. Watching her as her health deteriorates on a daily basis can be such a hard thing to handle. I believe the Lord allowed me to go through all of the things I went through in my life to prepare me to do His work. right now His work includes taking care of my mother. 

I think it is extremely remarkable how God has joined us together during this time. It's just fascinating how He orchestrated our lives to position me to be available for this situation. Its all just crazy to me because I hated my mother with a deep passion! I literally wanted her to die. The things she did and allowed to happen to me while I was growing up were so horrible that I had nothing but unforgiveness ruling my heart. It wasn't until 2012 when I began to see her as my sister in Christ. He took all the bitterness I had, all the hatred, all the unforgiveness and the evil thoughts and one by one, made them disappear. Reconciling our differences was not an easy process. I wanted a relationship with my mother. I wanted her to love me and wanted my children to feel completely loved by her. I wanted to see her happy and wanted her to understand the love of Christ. It took a while but God came through like He always does. He came through and made us closer than we have ever been before. 

This is why it is so difficult to see my mother struggle the way she does now. I know her life has been oh so hard. The struggles she deals with now are an exact result of the life she has lived. While visiting today I noticed that she was in such an unhappy mood. Her whole demeanor was downcast. Yesterday she hit her face on the door causing her left side to swell. She has been in even more pain because of the weather. She is feeling so dizzy and has been losing her balance a whole lot causing her to fall more. I want to help her but I can only do so much. My heart aches almost every time I see her because she is so sick. This makes it frustrating for me and is the main reason why I have good moments and then these horrible depressing moments. I'm just praying, praying, praying for the Lord to ease her suffering.

Yesterday was tough for her. She didn't hear from family, other than my daughter and I. For my mom, not hearing from them hurt so much because it was a holiday. Christmas is something she has always celebrated and it means a lot to have family around. Whether we were all fighting or laughing, just to have everyone together is such a good thing for her. When my momma hurts, I hurt. ​

God has allowed my heart to be completely broken for her. When your eyes are open to the Lord you see so much goodness and you’re on fire to please Him. You feel the compassion and mercy that He bestowed upon you and you are able to fully pass that along to the next person. He continues to take me deeper into His glorious ways. As I walk this storm with my mother I am so happy my eyes have been open now for many years so that I can see the blessings He gives in the midst of turmoil. I praise God for all that I am going through. For all the pain, frustration and depressing moments. He always knows what’s best and continues to quiet my soul while the storm continues to rage on.

There is a song by J. Moss that really explains how I feel a lot of the time. There is no way I'd be able to keep going if I did not have Jesus in my life. I love the lyrics to this song. It is called Holding On.
Here are the lyrics and below is the video.

[verse 1:]
sometimes it makes you wanna cry aloud
sometimes it makes you wanna scream and shout
sometimes you feel like it’s unbearable
sometimes the pain is so incredible (why)
do i feel the way i feel being a christian and all (it’s not suppose to be this way)
but who said that it was gonna be easy (nobody)
do i have enough in me

[chorus:]
how do i feel like holding on
how do i feel
how do i feel like being strong
how do i feel
how do i feel like praying on
how do i feel
how do i feel like pressing on
and the answer is jesus
my potion jesus
my covering jesus
my maker jesus
check it out

[verse 2:]
sometimes it’s someone that you really love
sometimes they don’t know that they’ve lost your trust
sometimes your heart will last, can’t stop beating (thump thump.thump)
anybody ever felt like that (why)
do i feel the way i do being a christian and all (it’s not suppose to be this way)
but who said that the walk would be easy (nobody)
do i have enough in me

[chorus:]
how do i feel like holding on
how do i feel
how do i feel like being strong
how do i feel
how do i feel like praying on
how do i feel
how do i feel like pressing on
how do i feel

[chorus:]
how do i feel like holding on
how do i feel
how do i feel like being strong
how do i feel
how do i feel like praying on
how do i feel
how do i feel like pressing on
and the answer is (jesus)
my savior (jesus)
the calm in the midst of the storm (jesus)
my strength and my recourse (jesus)
everything i need, everything i am (jesus)
the way, the truth and the light (jesus)
healed by his stripes (jesus)
deliverer to abundant life (jesus)
you ought to try him for yourself (jesus)
he’s a way out of no way (jesus)
when nothing else could help it’s (jesus)
when there’s no one to talk to (jesus)

I am an extremely optimistic person but lately It feels like I am just miserable most days. I have a good few hours here and there but then I sit and immediately go back to thinking about how life is really tough right now. I am just so freaking frustrated with how things are going. The lack of support from my family almost makes my heart a little bit hard towards them. I have reached out and tried to love them. But geesh how can I continue to put myself out there seeking love from them when they could care less. I often think about why God has me in the position that I am in. I know in my heart that He has called me to be one of His disciples. He has called me to forsake all and follow Him only.

Luke 14:25-27;33 (NIV) 
25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 
26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. 
27 And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
33 In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

When I read this scripture all I can think about is how God has plucked me out of the darkness to be His. To be ALL His and to only obey Him. Although the disappointment of not having my sister and brother care enough hurts my heart tremendously, I know that I am being obedient to His calling. There are seasons when God asked me to leave family behind to become stronger in Him. He then asked me to go back and love unconditionally. At the time I knew it was going to be excruciatingly painful. But in being obedient I was able to reconcile a relationship with my mother. Being able to take care of her is one of the most joyous things I could have ever imagined. Through all the frustration and pain I've been able to see my mom as my sister in Christ and love her just as He would love me. I don't know when or even if I'll ever be able to have a strong relationship with my brother and sister. For now I just continue to pray and ask God for patience and grace on my part. 

Not having expectations for people to have compassion is something I am learning over and over again everyday. Sometimes I've just assumed because a situation is so terrible, family would be the frst to step-up and show overwhelming love and compassion. In the face of death for an extremely close family member I've assumed family would come together for support and encouragement. But all of these assumptions are so not true! These can be accurate assumptions for a family that actually have relationships with one another. But for a family who has so much anger, bitterness and unforgiveness built up, coming together is far from reality. I keep trying and trying and trying to bring the family together. My heart wants to see reconciliation in relationships within our family. 

I've just gotta continue to pray, trust and believe that the Father knows best.